Love is the Lens and the Lesson
Everyday's The 14th
For Nina…
I have learned the most about myself from being in love. Being in relationships have allowed me to see myself in ways that humble me. There is little about me that exists outside of relationships. Before the word community lost some of its heft, (with more emphasis on comms than unity) I used to believe community was this utopia of folks with shared values and commitments – but more so it’s shared proximity and matching identities. The lens of community that I’m knowing and coming to accept now, lovingly (but also cautiously) is a collage of relationships – expanding and contracting in time. My love relationships have found me in an expanse, and at times a vortex. I have been able to track myself, which is a difficult process through being in love and making choices for that cause. By being in love, I have come to comprehend the complexities of my frailty, the contorts of my cowardice, the rapture of my beauty, my patience, and my power to witness and been seen.
A love life is part dare, and a durational exercise in open mindedness. My first loves; my parents, siblings, grands, and extended family were my starting guides. Like many, as we’ve grown into ourselves, we’ve been able to see these folks wholly in the expanse of their worlds and perhaps have made way for them – or in some cases have contracted or even collapsed our capacity to hold what it might mean to love them – for our (and possibly their) sakes. There was no language around the risks of love offered to me as a child. Generally, our western culture has mostly offered us myths and distortions and portrayals of love, that if we’re lucky we get to undo, interrogate, and reframe. I’ve found pleasure in being changed and moved by some of my most meaningful loves: friendships. I am who I am not solely because of some mystical ordinance but because of those who chose me and who I choose back in this wayward life. To have trustworthy friends in this dangerous-genocidal world is an acute act of resistance. I absolutely believe that friendship has been the key to my ancestors’ survival and I’m happy to play that out on my journey on this Black Power Continuum. My luck, my fortune, my blessings have been bestowed upon me by the whispers and movements of those who blood beats through my heart and who’s wishes and prayers illuminate my imagination and keep me curious and excited and laughing til I cry with my lovely homies. These dynamics have trained me to have some clarity about who I am, to see myself as more-than.
Life has been a struggle between what I hope and wish, what I can and will do, and what is allowed and what liberties I take. I have fought for my liberation, leaving some weapons behind while learning to use tools as I gather them. Trying to protect myself in my sometimes-raggedy house, that I’m certain will become a glittering castle, with some time. Falling in love with myself, despite all my flaws I seem to fixate on built a sturdy pathway for me to find love with integrity. As a (SGI-Nichiren) Buddhist, I chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo for my happiness and for the peace of the land. There’s a concept we study in the sacred texts; Earthly Desires are Enlightenment, that posits that we’re not selfish for praying for what will bring us joy – the act of the prayer itself is one that brings us closer to our ever-present Buddha nature. A wisdom that drives us closer to our higher self.
After enduring some pitiful relationships and some ugly dynamics in friend groups I chose to make a love a muse, and brought my desire for a supportive, loving, blossoming romance to the altar. I was unsure of what this might manifest but I was tired of only confronting of what I didn’t want. The call for love cleared a space for possibility. My prayers for love firmed up the wisdom that already lived inside of me about what I truly deserved and what I had to offer in exchange. We met in a park on a warm fall day and through a series of events, stories, and some gossip came together with a knowingness that can be described as magically intentional after all these years. The binaries I had been taught to believe about how to measure my life’s worth splintered into a vastness of options and I developed the courage to be truthful and to see beyond the comforts of what felt familiar.
My prayers had been answered and made manifest in the months before our little jaunt to the upscale jewelry store and piercing parlor that is now a New York City memory. My first Valentine’s Day being in love, my boo and I got matching septum piercings. It was some queer shit to do, the cold ass February wind whipping us around the streets of lower Manhattan. The wetness of our noses from the freezing temperatures torturing the cartilage under the slim brown flesh that met with my rose gold and her white gold loops. This Valentine’s Day, we are entering into the commercial holiday with a familiarity honed by years of witness. The time she and I have spent together loving one another, in relationship, has made us family; not unlike the dynamics I share with my friends, less the acts that distinguish our love life (wink wink). I have seen parts of myself come alive, animated with confidence by the mere presence of her encouragement and belief. There are also the parts of me that feel fixed, awful, and in desperate need of transformation in order to treasure the rare jewel that is the commitment she and I have made. It’s import for me to hold on to the possibility of her eyes, the first time I saw them when I feel overcome with the grief of who I am some days.
I believe a good relationship, a healthy one can be a mirror, and should be a space where your whole self can show up and be seen, heard, respected, and challenged. For me it’s hard not to fixate on my flaws, many of which are racist-misogynistic-colorist-fatphobic-ableist distortions of who I am. Being in love, being amongst a community of lovers has granted me access to the truths of who I am and who I can be – without succumbing to the bullshit of harmful narratives meant to separate me/us from my/our humanity. My hope is we can learn more about ourselves through love.
Yesterday, on Valentine’s day I was forced to ponder love as I lay in bed. We are nearing the 4th year of the 21st century plague and I was down. Today, I’m down but now out. I sorta of regret not scheduling this post for the day but it’s ok since I can do whatever the hell I want. Illness, the kind of mysterious chronic illness millions of people are living with with as a result of c19 offers perspective about time, and how little of it we have and get to use. I wish I could be like some people who can power through their illness to do work, to be productive. Me, I succumb to the pain, the urge to rest, and even with the guilt I know I am better for following that instinct.
Luckily, I am in love with a power through type who insisted I take real OTC meds and not the natural juices and berries I insist upon. She made us a DELECTABLE, mouthwatering dinner of short rib and roasted garlic mashed potatoes and even agreed to watch (read: fall asleep on the sofa too) The Green Knight. We exchanged campy-candy gifts, and very sweet cards. In ways I feel I'm undeserving of the kind of love life I live, and I think because of this, I am partnered with someone who reminds me that I am. I hope you enjoyed your love day. I'm healing and feeling less worse today and hoping that I’m trending towards my normal in the days ahead. When my brain fog dissipates, I’ll be back! Leave me a comment about your v-day or lil 💕💖💓 letting me know you made it this far. xoJ
“ By being in love, I have come to comprehend the complexities of my frailty, the contorts of my cowardice, the rapture of my beauty, my patience, and my power to witness and been seen.”
Perfectly described 💕
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this and being this open and vulnerable with your readers. At the time I was trying to avoid any and all reminders of that day because of my own heartache, so I couldn't bring myself to read something reflective of the day, or of the theme of love. But now, nearly 2 months later, your words resonate so deeply with me and moved me to tears... not of sadness, but of knowing... Knowing what you say is true. 🫀