Jun 1 • 4M

Self Betrayals

What I learned from my Fingernails!

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Tiny violences is all about the little ruptures, frictions, abuses, and even victories that happen along the way to finding belonging.
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This week I thought I would try something a little different. The transcript of the clip is below! Let me know what you think in the comments! 🖤

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Hello and welcome to Tiny Violences. I’m your host, Jet Toomer and today is June first 2022 – the first day of pride month.  I’m speaking to you today from NYC, at my desk because it was much easier to pen this script than an essay.  Truthfully, I’ve been pretty busy and stressed and I’m starting the painstaking task of writing my thesis, so I can complete my MFA.  Today I want to invite you into a discussion.  Here’s a lil story…

So, the other day I was getting my nails did, and I was talking to my homegirl Vany, who has been my nail technician for the last 3 and a half years.  We were chatting our usual, but we got on to the topic of self-betrayals.  As some of you may be learning…I am hyper focused in the small incidences that at first seem unimportant but over time can eat you up inside.  I’m the type of person to replay scenarios over in my mind and then rehearse them in the shower for the oft occasion that I might be able to go back in time to reclaim my dignity.  Seems futile right, but we all do it. 

A minute or so into our chat, Vanessa asks me “do you like your nails?”  now this should be a quick yes or no answer.  I’m clear about my tastes…which are always shifting but I have a strong understanding of aesthetics and my intuition immediately said “no.’ but the words that came out of my mouth were “yes…so cool.” Undoubtedly, my nails, like most of what I used to adorn myself are cool but…they were not what I wanted.  I tried to make myself like them but the truth is my nails right now are evidence of a personal indiscretion, and habit of wanting to satisfy someone else, even when that other person has nothing to gain from that choice.  Phew and sheesh.  Vany, my lovely friend understood when I texted her the next day – and she asked me “why I didn’t say something.” I felt that familiar dissonance of I don’t know lurching from my mind to my fingertips to text her.  What I know now is that I have to make some more efforts to trust in myself and to listen to that little voice when it’s time.

Ok, so you’re probably thinking now…what do I have to do with this?  Hehe.  Well, I’m curious about your own seemingly innocuous self-betrayals or scenarios you play over and over and what they tell you about yourself.  Let me know in the comments.

Thanks for listening!

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